A letter to the “friend” who tried to set up my husband with her unmarried girlfriend.
BBQ’s, kid’s birthday parties, and family get-togethers. All places I’ve seen you and your gorgeous gal pal whom is often invited. The single one with the great body, long legs, high heels and enhanced breasts. The one at the event that most all the husbands present are averting their eyes to and then darting them away! Hoping a random hose waters down her white tank top and wishing their wives had somewhere else to be that day…so they could observe more guilt-free. I watch their wives trying not to notice, and them trying not be so obvious and chuckle. You know that woman, there seems to be one in every crowd.
My husband, like the others, notices too…he’s not blind, I don’t expect him to be. I’m not blind towards gorgeous men either so I wouldn’t want to be hypocritical. We do have a policy though: we can look and appreciate beauty where we find it, but we’re not to touch everything beautiful…if that beautiful thing is indeed another person. We’ve also made a pact to not cheat on each other-it’s called a wedding vow.
I expanded on it after a rough patch early-on in our marriage where I told him, if you ever find yourself about to give in with someone else, you have one of two options and I will keep to the same two rules:
- You call me and let me know we are through, you’re sleeping with someone else then you can hang up and get with her.
- You give in and sleep with her but call/text/in person I don’t care how you do it but you damn well DO tell me before we have sex again. You will have the respect to not make me chance picking up whatever STD she may have had and passed on to you. Capisce?
No joke, he ever violates the ‘you tell me either way before we have sex again’ rule and I’m likely to cut it off while he’s sleeping. I’m a nutty hot blooded little Sicilian and he knows not to wake up my dark side. I won’t go nuts if I know he’s messed up first, but if he hides it and I find out, fits gonna hit the shan.
Many women do try to engage and flirt with him, I’m used to it and it doesn’t bother me. He has a great body, listens to people well, genuinely cares about their situations and talks..a lot. More than most men…sometimes more than most women-no joke. His level of communication is a feature that women in relationships with less talkative types find very attractive. I get it. It’s one of the reasons we married in the first place, didn’t run out of things to talk about like I did with other men I tried dating. You know the sweet ones that are great in group settings… but on the phone or in person alone leave you counting tiles, checking your watch to see how long it’ll be before they say something if you don’t? My husband may be accused of being a lot of things, but will never be accused of being that guy.
I’ve heard about all the flirts, I think he enjoys telling me for sport. Like when he managed the training department of the gym, and women would try to show him the “fat” non-existent on their lower stomach, pulling their pants down to their pubic hair so he could see the little tattoo there as they pinched a 1/8 of an inch.
Honey…that little bit of “fat” you can grab is called “skin”, any sane man or woman can see what you were trying to accomplish with that stunt. The younger, also fit girls, who get right smack in front of him, between him and the mirror while he’s working out to do squats or dead lifts; sticking their boy-short (or is it underwear? No one knows) clad booty as close to his face as possible. The ones who mouthed “call me” and lick their lips or accidentally let their top “oopsie” fall down at the beach. Situations like this are talked about at dinner and I laugh. Partly because it’s funny to me how obvious some women are and partly because I know how his mind works and what he thinks about girls who do that, and know they just kicked themselves out of the running even if he was single.
The one that got to me the most though since we’ve been married, was the one who was closer involved. The one who knows us both, knows we’re married, but also knew her hot friend found my husband hot, so thought she’d play matchmaker.
It didn’t dawn on you at the time that if you succeeded you’d break up a family and take a Dad out of the home of his kid?
It didn’t phase you that you knew I’d been pregnant, had just miscarried and was somewhat depressed?
It didn’t give you pause to think that obviously when I found out, our relationship which had just barely begun, would be crushed to an I-can’t-trust-you-now dead end?
Did you even care about my husband at all?
Knowing that your friend wasn’t even single at the time either and if she’d cheat on that guy she’d make my husband lose his family, and later likely cheat on him too, leaving him with nothing?
Did you think about any of that?
He didn’t tell me for a long time because he knew how I’d feel towards you if I knew and as I said, was depressed because of the miscarriage. He couldn’t keep that to himself forever. He let it slip out after our next son was born about your trying to play matchmaker and set up a get together as if you were all still single and available to live life to the fullest with no consequences.
I wasn’t annoyed at the bombshell…I honestly don’t really expect any better from women I barely know. I was hurt more than he thought though because I knew me and you weren’t close… but I didn’t think you’d do that to me. Especially given the timeframe.
I was naïve enough to not think that any girl I knew and was always nice to, would purposely try to set up a date with my husband and another woman.
That is not something I’ve ever done.
I won’t lie. I’ve had thoughts that this friend would be better off with this person or that person, but I didn’t make a move to make them end things with who they were with to set them up and see if I was right. I also don’t blame the girl. I’m no saint…I too in my single working years been attracted to my fair share of married men…it’s the main reason I had so many single years!! Couldn’t seem to find a single guy who was nary as attractive to me as some of the married guys I was crushing on.
BUT I never told them, never shaved my legs, wore a lace thong and a skirt and went out to dinner with them with the plan to hook up afterwards. In fact if we had a dinner meeting I’d purposely NOT do those things so I would not be tempted to let it go past the dinner. Instead I’d meet their family and purposely get to know their spouse so I wouldn’t let myself do anything out of respect for her. I resigned from jobs, I moved towns, I kept those feelings to myself and forged a level of friendship and professionalism until either the job or my feelings died down.
Sometimes if I felt the feelings were reciprocal or growing that way, I’d do things to sabotage it so they’d purposely remember how good they had it with their wives (sometimes even the best men need some remembering). Even the strongest marriage can be vulnerable at some times and I knew the men I was attracted to over the years were not the type of men to have a weak moment and make a move unless I did first, so I DIDN’T. Yes, it’s possible to love multiple people at one time, hearts are made to expand…but no one can be in two beds at once and make everyone happy. In this case, sharing is NOT caring. Knowing they were already in bed with someone, I kept things friendly and didn’t make any moves I knew all involved would later regret. That is what you do when you care about someone at all and when you don’t want to be the reason a marriage breaks up.
Marriages go through hard enough patches without that kind of Karma looming in your past ready to pop up on you. So, I know what you tried to do, but I’m over it.
I’m not retaining any hard feelings. I don’t trust you in the area of my marriage and will never confide in you like one of my gal-pals, because that little stunt taught me where I rank in your world.
I have a long line of women (and men) I trust, some of our relationships date back to the time we were in kindergarten, friendships are something developed much like a marriage-years of good times and bad times and always wanting the best for that person; helping them make things work out, and being there for them when they don’t.
Me and you will never be best buds, but I still wish you and your family the best. Most of us have moments of youthfulness and ignorance we’d like to move on from and forget. Just for the record, I’ve chucked that whole timeframe up as one of yours, made like Elsa and ‘let it go’.